Marathon Training Journal: Week Three

Week 3:
Monday.
Run 1, type: Just getting out the door!! 2km Run/walk with M.

I got home late this evening. I stayed late at uni doing work then got on the wrong train on my way home. I relaxed for a bit after getting in. I had to give myself a bit of a talking to about running this evening. I’ve been slacking off a bit, if I’m honest. I know I’ve been a bit unstable but if I’m going to get close to stable again, running and exercise is a big piece of that puzzle within what that picture looks like for me.

I can give myself excuses as much as I like. I’m only cheating myself. I can take in my lies of not having time and feeling weak and I’ll go later/tomorrow/on Monday. The thing is though, if I’m going to progress to a level of fitness that the marathon requires then I’m going to have to stop letting myself accept my excuses. I need to be real and honest with myself – and sometimes that means looking in the mirror and giving myself a reality talk.

So despite it being past midnight I went. I also delivered some keys that I needed to drop off that I wouldn’t have managed that day either had I not gone. The enjoyment of running with a friend helped with my motivation, which means that I need to prioritize running crew in my weekly schedule. I miss those guys and the only reason I’ve not been for a while is myself.

Wednesday:
Run 2, Race: Run in the Dark 5K

Again I was struggling with mojo. I had a race and the idea of it was starting to build up in my mind and make me anxious. I got to the start line because someone was coming to support and cheer me. We were going to hang out after and the next day, and by the time I left it to potentially pull out I knew they’d be on their way – and their journey was longer than mine. Also, my house was nowhere near Battersea Park unfortunately – Hai millionaires land.

The race took a while to start. Once we began though I got a bit excited and started off quite fast. I did achieve my fastest km to date on Strava – yay mini PB! After a while I had to settle in and go slower because ya know, just because I’m looking at longer races that doesn’t mean 5km can be sprinted 🙈

I settled in although had a few hang ups. I had crampy calves and I had been feeling permanently slightly dehydrated for a few days. I hadn’t run for a few days. I hadn’t been eating particularly nutritious food. I felt it. I felt the consequences of having not eaten particularly well for a couple of weeks. I felt the consequences of not addressing my hydration early on. I think if you’re having signs of dehydration there is no waste in using a re-hydration tab, even if you just use half of one to make sure everything is on track. I will bare this in mind in the future.

The beauty of this being a journey is that you win some and you learn some. You don’t lose, you learn. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to do dumb stuff when I’m training and in each dumb act there is a lesson to learn to be a little less dumb in the future.

There’s a quote image I saw that sais “fall in love with the process and the results will come”. I think this is actually very true – and I am slowly learning more than I knew before yet I know that I have SO MUCH yet to learn. There are so many mistakes out there waiting for me to make them, and for me to learn from them. This race was one of those – if not this whole week.

Friday:
Gym session

I packed for the gym today last night. I got everything ready to get up, eat porridge and go. Getting out the door wasn’t quite as seamless as that. I did however make it to the gym – which is am improvement on only going for yoga classes. I’m enjoying the yoga classes but they’re not going to do the trick alone. I need to graft on strengthening and conditioning if I’m going to see myself strong enough to complete 26.2 miles in april.

And shit, April!? That’s very soon in the grand scheme of things.

I am feeling a new wave of motivation at the moment which is very welcome. There are some things I need to learn and master within myself. I need to harbour the power of people in my training. I think training with other people who I can eventually call friends will be a  very important lesson for me. Not only in terms of my fitness goals because I think running and climbing provide a perfect opportunity for me to work on many aspects of my life that I feel I need to work on – such as discipline, sticking to plans, talking to nw people without internally losing my mind whilst my stomachs convulses in a violent version of the butterflies from anxiety that feels more like fireworks erupting in my torso.

Fitness gives me a lot – it teaches me a lot about myself and other people. It’s something I need to prioritize because when I am active I always feel better for it.

Saturday:
Box Hill Tough 10 race. I wrote a whole post about this yesterday.

Sunday:
My first time going to a trendy class in London. I haven’t been to an up market gym like this before – I also wrote a lot about this in yesterday’s post. I was surprised by just HOW HARD this class was. Wow! Just wow!

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When Running, Motivation and Mental Illness Collide

When motivation and mental illness become intertwined and this makes it difficult to stick to any form of plan. Getting dressed can be difficult to organise in my head when I’m like this, so balancing study, running, fitness, friends, groups I like to go to and volunteering is just a dream again. I know I can, and that I will again but right now this can’t be my currently reality. I need to learn to navigate these times as best as I can, and I think that’s a long journey ahead of me.

The past few weeks have been quite scatty. I’m not sure quite what is going on, or why things have gone so awry again. They have, and that’s something I need to take in my stride as best as I can. That doesn’t mean I will always keep my strides even and steady during these times – in fact, far from it. I may jolt forward and fast in my moments of being able to organise in my head and utilise my motivation to meet my goals, then trudge slowly in an aching manner as everything I intended to do to make me feel better slips away. Time doesn’t stop for anyone and right now I could do with time stopping for me to, I don’t know, figure out what’s sending me stray and to get myself back on track.


I’m swaying quite quickly right now between able and unable, motivated and unmotivated, being able to hear my thoughts and it being just a chaos of mish-mashed noises, being able to organise myself and feeling at a loose end, thinking ahead and being stuck in trying to think at all. I’ll be honest, I fucking hate this.

It does add more fuel to my fire in that when I am able to get myself out running and climbing, or going to the gym – it propels my need to do this stuff to feel good and maintain feeling well about myself.

I don’t even know what else to say; my head is mush.